- Riley
- Jan 15, 2021
- 4 min read
Welp, we're back at square one... kind of. The only thing that's different is that I'm officially graduated from college. Yay. Woohoo. Was it worth it? Absolutely. I met the love of my life, revitalized my dream, found confidence in myself, solidified my identity, and had fun along the way. Did I lose my sanity and nearly want to give up all of the former for a faint glimmer of internal peace? Bingo. The working world doesn't give a sh*t about any of that, though, whether it be the good or bad. Heck, I got these degrees and it barely even cares about those. They just need a machine or something. If you or someone you know is an employer that actually hires human beings then please give me a call and I'll buy you a pizza roll.
So, here's the plan: there really isn't one. The truth is that I'm stuck in COVID-land for the foreseeable future. It's likely that the vaccine isn't coming my way until summer time, so I best hunker down. If the job market resembles any natural environment or biophysical location, then it would be a bone-dry desert with sparse droplets of water here and there for a lucky and privileged few to hopefully sprout and crack through the dessicated ground above. Whether I will be lucky enough to show my potential to an employer that believes in me has yet to be seen. I'm a college graduate in a pandemic-ridden herd of 30 million unemployed Americans. The best thing I can do is stay positive, continue to apply to a lot of listings out there, post stuff here, and keep chipping away at the novel.
The only problem with that is that there is virtually no motivation in me to do so. This is what depression feels like. It's bizarre. I've never felt so...defeated? My days are empty and my creative drive is just as hollow. The only things that give me pleasure are the activities that society deems unproductive: playing video games, binging YouTube videos, and watching TV shows with my girlfriend. I was hesitant to be this transparent on here, but I really don't want to be disingenuous in the slightest. If any employers or objective eyes read this, then I hope you can respect that. My track record has shown everyone that when I have a battery in my back, I can do extraordinary things. I don't know if you saw, but I made this banger of a video for my unpaid baseball internship that I don't even work for anymore! I mean, I published a book last year for pete's sake. My life had stood a loaded gun. All I am missing is that positive energy and means of direction again. I can't do my thing without it. I have been completely stagnated lately. Even the novel, which was getting hammered into shape somewhat quickly at one point has slowed to a snail's pace in terms of the development process.
Ok, so, the novel. Let's talk about that for a bit. It's coming along. I'd say we're at about 60% completion on the first draft. Is it good? It definitely can be. It has the capability of becoming something so special if I keep working my way through with a fine-toothed comb like I've been trying to. The Circuitry Might was never meant to be my defining work. It was partly to show everybody that I'm serious about this writing stuff as well as just a raw and cathartic way to get my horrible and diminishing mental state off my brain and on to a page. The rough-around-the-edges aesthetic was sort of the whole point. This novel is meant to prove something about how good I know I can be at giving a one of a kind and captivating reading experience. I want to come for the throne this time. Before, it was all about capitalizing on minimalism. Now, my focus is on pure maximalism, which is really hard to do when I'm in such a disheveled, understimulated, and directionless state. The grandeur of the book needs to match the setting of the narrative: an illustrious and intricately designed hotel that can hold a thousand little pockets of realized worlds.
But, let's look at the facts here. I am working away at a novel that hardly anyone will seek to read unless they see it as a favor or obligation to me. My poetry game is weak right now, and even if it weren't, it would just end up sounding like it should be recited in a dark dungeon or an Applebee's parking lot. No one wants to hire a kid like me despite my massive upside to whoever can harness and unlock my ability. And, what's worse, is that I can't even find a way to post legitimate content on here that I actually want to work on like fun articles or short stories. The fact of the matter is that something has to give. There is a blockage here that I have never experienced before and I'm thinking I may just need a change of scenery to find whatever part of myself that I've lost touch with. It's not writer's block. I've simply forgotten how to redefine a passion for any facet of my self.
I want more out of life than this. I am always on the pursuit of creating definitive art, making a difference in the world, connecting deeply with others, and staying in touch with myself. That will never ever waver. I promise. Riley is just under construction right now. It's metamorphosis time. I need to accept this rut as piece of the process. Transitions are never supposed to be easy. Hopefully we can look back on this moment as documentation of a strange in-between time. Riley 2.0 ontheway!
I guess my real announcement here is that I'll be attempting to post articles, poetry, stories, or whatever else here on a weekly basis from now on in hopes that the dam will break. In the meantime, I'll be chipping away at self improvement, meditating, and maybe even getting a few more chapters of the book done.
Au revoir. See you next week, hopefully.
