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  • Writer: Riley
    Riley
  • Dec 31, 2023
  • 35 min read

2023 was truly the year of the revival. A comeback year in every sense of the phrase. I felt this desire to capture or recapture greatness both internally and externally. Artists all around me are re-staking their claims on a world that feels new. That’s not to mention that I also couldn’t help but notice common themes of nostalgia, safety, comfort, etc. Coming home to where the gold was found but also a thirst for bold reinvention, rule-bending, and boundary-pushing all somehow happening simultaneously. It was really a renaissance year for so many names. People we hadn’t heard from in at least several years finally reappeared. Bands like the Foo Fighters, that would otherwise be considered well past their heyday, came back for a bit of a renaissance to show they still have what it takes to be considered legit. Many comebacks, like Sampha’s, were made successfully without skipping a beat. Plenty of old magic was recaptured. Striking that balance between vintage and novel seems like a totally impossible task, but these artists did just that. Revisiting what works but using the heart behind WHY it works to make it work in a whole new, totally different way.


This year, we also saw some of the most well established names in their genre form iconic pairings and create critically acclaimed work everybody has been talking about year round. I felt like 2023 made me realize that old + old can still = new. Peanut butter is a classic. Jelly is a classic. Peanut butter and jelly is a whole new classic! Crash what you love and what’s reliable together. It will almost always pay off. I want to leave a quick note here that this has been my hardest year in determining a true #1 favorite, but I think I nailed it. Tell me what you think.


Before we begin, I’d hate to pass up a few honorable mentions.


Honorable Mentions


Teezo Touchdown was one of the most eclectic voices I discovered this year. I was not totally sold on his debut from this last September, How Do You Sleep at Night, but did come back to it a decent amount enough for me to warrant mentioning it here. I do want to exclaim how some of his singles that preceded the album were amazing, though. “5 o’clock” might win my award for funnest song of the year. 


I also had quite a bit of fun with the new 100 gecs, 10,000 gecs, and Travis Scott’s Utopia. Both are full of big entertaining moments and were just short in making the final cut, for me. Alright, I’ll keep it brief in this section and keep it there. Let’s dive into the heavy hitters, now.

*Be advised that the YouTube link to every album is hyperlinked to each title



At last. The long-awaited Earl x Alchemist collaboration album came out this year! Earl and Uncle Al have been frequent collaborators in the past on some amazing songs like “E. Coli,” and “Wind in my Sails,” but have never openly dropped a full project together which seemed odd up until now because the Alchemist releases countless joint ventures every year with different rappers. With all the hype built up to this from Earl fans and the sheer talent of both artists in their respective fields, this should have been a slam dunk album of the year contender and one of the easiest drops of the decade. Unfortunately, this album was issued to the public in almost the lamest way imaginable as an NFT-type thing. I don’t even know what you call it, but it was only made available on Gala Music, a streaming platform based around blockchains or whatever. The one saving grace is that you can listen to it for free as long as you’re signed up, which takes only a few seconds. The music is fire, at least, and we got to finally hear some tracks that have been teased for years. For instance, during Earl’s legendary Camp Flog Gnaw performance in 2019, he previewed the masterpiece formerly known as “Black Emperor,” which is thankfully available in CDQ titled “My Brother, The Wind.” See, Earl does this other somewhat lame thing and previews unreleased songs at his shows and then never releases them. He was even asked about this during an interview and said they may never come out. Why get us excited then? I’m still waiting for tracks like “Head Heavy,” “Homebound,” “Albatross,” “Shrooms,” “Foodies,” and an entire album’s worth of others. Anyways, yeah, I’m glad we got some holy grails, but, why do I feel so dissatisfied? The fanbase rejoiced even further when it was announced a month later that Voir Dire would hit streaming services. Surely this went smoothly, right? No, the major fan favorite songs were kept off the final product. We did get some really solid new ones featuring Vince Staples, but this felt like a massive middle finger. Sorry I’m not talking about the music much for this segment, I just needed to vent about this whole mess. Put them on streaming under a deluxe release, guys. I love you both, but it’s the only way to rectify this. As you’ll be able to see, the three tracks I list as my favorite, are indeed the ones kept off streaming. This would probably finish in my top 5 for the year if I didn’t have to pull up that stupid Gala site every time I wanted to bump a sensational cut like “Geb,” which might be one of my favorites by Earl, ever. All in all, I think this project has the makings of a classic since the production is spellbinding and the bars are insightful as can be, I just also feel like it could have been so much more. 


Favorite tracks: All the Small Things, My Brother The Wind, Geb



I used to sort of hate Lana Del Rey. She was cringe. I definitely liked a few of her songs, which one could argue are still cringe, like “Born to Die,” “Young and Beautiful,” or “Summertime Sadness.” She was more of a guilty pleasure from time to time. I wouldn’t really consider myself a fan of any of her extended bodies of work until Norman F***ing Rockwell! came out, which ended up being one of my favorite LPs of 2019. I still bump that record to this day, and find the new release her best work since. Chemtrails Over the Country Club and Blue Banisters were still solid and actually just missed out on my list for 2021, but this new project captures more of exactly what I love about Lana’s music. Maybe I also have a soft spot for it because it’s a vintage-sounding ode to the Long Beach legend of the Jergin’s tunnel, one I've been around, and have always wanted to sneak into, on many occasions. Anyways, there’s a lot of adjectives I could use to describe Tunnel: tender, sweet, magical, whimsical, longing, and most importantly, fresh. “The Grants,” a typical and captivating Lana opener, is all of those, but it’s actually only a warmup for the second song, which I’m comfortable calling a masterpiece. I usually get mad when I listen to a nice sounding Lana Del Rey song but it doesn’t go anywhere or evolve. She’s got such a pretty voice that sometimes her songs just list out and repeat the same reasonably satisfactory moment, but Tunnel rarely has a moment like that. As soon as I feel like I’m getting tired or bored, it’s like she knows exactly what to do and when to do it, because the song will suddenly add another vibrant layer or switch up entirely. The title track is gorgeous at first, yeah, but it grows and blossoms into a stunning, epic, and triumphant whirlwind of emotion. It’s easily one of my favorite songs all year because of this very factor. Another standout, “A&W,” which comes up shortly afterward, also does this, but in a different way. As soon as it gets tiring, these slick drums and claps come out of nowhere, which is the last thing I expected at that point. This leads into a totally stank face moment at the 5:25 mark where there’s an actual beat drop in a Lana Del Rey song. It leads into a very satisfying outro-remix type-deal. Lana continues to innovate and thematically includes a lot of Christian/spiritual elements in this swing of things. It reminds me of an infinitely gentler Sinner Get Ready. As much as some may say this new album might be her greatest work yet, I still feel like it takes what’s already been working for Lana and runs with that, albeit with some of the aforementioned new themes mixed in. Tunnel features a runtime of an hour and 17 minutes, so it’s hard to keep my attention for that long. Lana’s voice is already so soft that I find myself falling asleep by the back half. But, yes, my main complaint is that this feels less brand new and more like an extension of her more fantastical predecessor in NFR. She even goes back to an interpolation of “Venice Bitch” on the final track, “Taco Truck x VB,” which doesn’t make me nostalgic, it just reminds me how much better NFR is and how much more I want to listen to that now, instead. If you’re like me and enjoyed that one, consider this release an unofficial but admirable sequel. 


Favorite tracks: DYKTATUOB (title track), A&W, Candy Necklace



MIKE is back in his bag! Weight of the World finished near the top of my 2020 list, but outside of a few singles, I haven’t quite heard anything as alive from him since. That is, until now. Burning Desire feels just like that, with energy across the board from the raps to the beats. As always, MIKE is on top of his sample game with some satisfying and classic loops that take on a life of their own in your ears and stick around for hours after they’re done playing. I love when Mike raps over what sounds like vintage shopping mall music. Sh*t’s tight. It makes me happy. One aspect I feel sets Burning Desire apart is just how much punch it has, whether it be in the eccentric sample selection, the varying length of individual songs and how they transition into one another, or the use of drums that feel like they otherwise might not have been there. “Zap!” really does zap you alive from the beginning as it feels like a defibrillator full of souls hitting your chest over and over. It’s not my favorite to come back to, but it is a lively start. However, “African Sex Freak Fantasy*” is pretty much ALL punch with these blown-out feeling kicks and woofs and then vocals that are right there in the speaker but also sound like they’re coming from a distant walkie talkie. A good example of drums playing that same role as music medic comes in on one of my favorite songs all year, “plz don’t cut my wings.” It has this beautiful concert-hall-esque string loop but is really elevated when the drums come in and allow MIKE opportunities to switch up his flow. He truly glides over these types of instrumentals and I find these are his absolute best showings as an artist. The danciness I loved on the second half to “weight of the word*” back in 2020 returns multiple times on this new project like with “U Think Maybe?” that utilizes some Liv.e vocals super creatively, or “THEY DON’T STOP IN THE RAIN” an ultra-satisfying earworm that I could rewind for hours. The closer “”Let’s Have a Ball” is just the perfectly smooth way to roll credits on a masterfully produced album. It feels like an autumn sunset fading out only to be revealed to all be a big simulation, or something. Needless to say, you’ll be levitating by the time you make your way through such a zany track list. This would be a fun LP with just the standalone instrumentals, but let’s not forget about MIKE’s pen game and poetic ability. I would post some lyrics here but I’d probably just end up filling this page with entire verses. He always seems to hit home with me when it comes to the writing, and I find his outlook on life often coincides with mine. So instead of me prattling on about the best verses, just go listen for yourself. 


Favorite tracks: plz don’t cut my wings, THEY DON’T STOP IN THE RAIN, Mussel Beach



40? Man, Danny Brown has been at this for awhile, and you get that sense on the spiritual successor to XXX (2013), here. It’s a soft meditation on everything he’s been through up until now and a reflection of what life is like as a grizzled veteran of a pretty rocky life. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't something this emotionally heartfelt and raw. A majority of this track list is Danny being incredibly real, vulnerable, and sharing dark realities about his personal life and upbringing. I knew as soon as I heard the first two or so minutes of this LP that we were in for something much more harrowing than usual. Danny really lays his feelings with just about everything out in such a concise way. There’s this amazing guitar lead and melody that sets the tone perfectly. It builds on top of itself with a sudden foray of drums that orchestrate a journey through one of the most emotionally thorough tracks he’s ever done. Don’t get me wrong, Danny’s magnum opus, Atrocity Exhibition (2016), was incredibly personal, but that was far FAR more deranged and hellish. We hardly get that flavor here, except for a few of the bangers like “Tantor.” “Got a Mexican homie named Chinese Mike,” has to be one of my favorite lines all year. The following cuts, “Ain’t My Concern” and “Dark Sword Angel” are slightly more reserved but still feel like a bad dream. There are a few thoughtful glimpses into the past and present of Detroit that I think are incredibly important coming from a ride or die like Danny Brown. He’s an icon of the city now, and my affinity toward him is only stronger because of that. “Y.B.P.” and “Jenn’s Terrific Vacation” are both great looks into how it was vs. how it is, with the latter track being all about gentrification on the rise and its current rapid effects. The sound of the record only gets drearier from the middle onward. “Celibate” is a standout with some incredibly sad but genius word play by Danny talking about how he used to “sell a bit” but now he’s “celibate” and has been “locked up in that cell a bit.” There’s also a guest appearance from MIKE that’s quite nice and an unsettlingly but pretty instrumental that sounds like the lonely rainy ending of Bladerunner (1982) twinkling in the background. The ending, “Bass Jam” is touching. It’s maybe the most sentimental and gentle I’ve ever heard Danny. As much as I loved this release I already don’t see myself playing this outside of just once or twice every so often. Still, the quality is always fantastic with Danny and this belongs at the top of his discography. That’s about as much as I have to say. If you know me somewhat well, you won’t be surprised to see me talk about Danny again a little bit later on in this list, so, sit tight, for now.


Favorite Tracks: Quaranta (title track), Celibate, Bass Jam



Never had too much interest or connection to the music of Kali Uchis but I decided to give this new record of hers a try because I was going to be seeing her at Camp Flog Gnaw. I remember giving her most popular work, Isolation, a shot back in 2018, but was mostly indifferent toward it. Red Moon in Venus, however, is the closest thing I can compare to what siren-song must sound like because this just totally sucked me into a trance. Kali’s vocals are almost always decked in these layers of reverb and the production is so ethereal-sounding that it’s hard to call this album nothing short of hypnotic. The silky smooth atmosphere laid down on all 15 tracks is nothing but captivating. We get introduced to this new soundscape, “I Wish you Roses,” which sounds like a twilight meadow in bloom. Kali is almost always switching up flawlessly between English and Spanish lyrics which is great for anybody who can’t just dive into the commitment of one language all at once. We get some nice features from Omar Apollo and Don Toliver and a few of the middle tracks that are good icing on the cake. Another highlight, “Moral Conscience,” might just be one of the most haunting songs I’ve heard all year with Kali repeating “when you’re all alone, you’ll know you were wrong, you’re gonna feel it,” over and over again. It makes me glad I’m not the person who wronged her because I would just hear this in my nightmares every time I try to sleep. The beat sounds like something a collaborator of hers, Tyler the Creator, would have done because it has those buzzy keys in the background. Come to think of it, there’s a Flower Boy (2017) type of essence to this whole project, really. There’s more of a dreamy cinematic-ness to this, but it’s got similarities, so if you liked that, maybe you’ll like this. What I’d say secured this LP a spot on this list is how it gets better as it goes on, with some of my favorite songs actually coming near the end of the runtime. To me, “Deserve Me,” is underrated as hell. The extremely catchy chorus just cascades on top of you like it's flowing down a spiral staircase. It introduces these epic drum hits as Kali’s voice swirls around you and the track builds into a big epic middle finger to an ex. She feels like she’s about to burst out of a great fairy fountain or something. It’s also immediately paired excellently with “Moonlight,” a funky, glittery, and dancy love song. It’s magical and makes me want to put on a sequin suit and drive into the night with zero cares. I’m glad I came around on Kali and I’m sad conflicting set times only allowed me to see about half of her set at CFG. What I witnessed was special, though, and she’s a lovely artist that I hope to enjoy more of in the future. I needed more Spanish music to diversify my music taste, anyways, and this makes me absolutely look forward to that all-Spanish album she’s set to drop in 2024, ORQUIDEAS.


Favorite tracks: Moral Conscience, Deserve Me, Moonlight



Hard to say Haley Williams and Paramore weren’t some of the faces defining my early teenage years. Most of their music brings me straight back to edgy Riley in the cusp of, or even in the midst of puberty. Silly bands, rawr XD, these haircuts, etc. THAT is when I grew up. I wasn’t huge on this band or anything, and most of their work sounds, um, not my favorite nowadays, but I just remember hearing them all over the place. The classic hits like “Misery Business,” and “Ain’t it Fun,” are still nostalgic jams I don’t mind hearing every so often, though. When I heard that Paramore was back with a new record, and that it was GOOD, I knew I had to check it out for myself. And, yeah, this new release kicks ass. Like I was saying in my intro, they managed to recapture the energy that worked, make us say “ah, good times,” about it, and still bring in a fresh 2023 sound. Reminds me of something Metric would have done. This Is Why doesn’t miss too often. The opener is classic Paramore with a big chorus that’ll have you singing along by the end and a playful atmosphere all-around. Each song is crafted so cleanly and all of them contain climactic moments where everything comes together and provides genuine satisfaction. For instance, by the end of “Running out of Time,” I was up and moving like I was at a concert or something. There are so many “hell yeah” bits that give you exactly what you came for. I found track four, “C’est Comme Ça,” to be quite annoying the first time I heard it, but now it actually might be one of my favorites. It comes with a short flurry and picks up the pace in an almost dizzying sense, then exits like a firecracker. It's also an excellent lead into the absolutely killer middle of the album. The “Big Man, Little Dignity,” “You First,” and “Figure 8,” stretch is up there in my favorite three track runs all year. I always know I’ve found a year-end list addition when the middle of an album is even better than an already solid beginning. The instrumentation throughout this project is so much more than just a refreshing guitar segment and refrain, which there are many of, but smart song structure. There isn’t a poorly written bridge or pre-chorus on here. Haley Williams brings a furious and emotionally-charged performance across all 36 minutes of a very tight listen. The lyrics are exactly what you might expect from a band who hasn’t dropped in five years, with palpable reactions to every crazy event going on in that time frame. The ending, “Thick Skull,” is a dejected but still spectacular room-smashing rage quit that left me thinking “damn they really did, that.” And yes, Paramore proves they’ve been doing this for a long time, and know how to make rewarding experiences for their listeners by now. Plus, this might be their best work yet, maybe hinting that they will improve with age. If you like this, check out their remix Re: This Is Why, too, which is just more excuses to bring the whole place down in different ways. Who better to revive post/dance punk than the people who ran that sh*t back in its heyday?


Favorite tracks: Big Man Little Dignity, You First, Figure 8



EASILY my favorite pop record since Charli XCX dropped Charli (2019) and How I’m Feeling Now (2020). Caroline is actually a frequent collaborator with Charli and I get hints of that style all throughout this album, which is my first dose of her. Apparently she’s been in the music industry for awhile, though, as a part of the duo, Chairlift, and under different moniker’s like Ramona Lisa, or CEP. This is my obligatory annual “thank you” message to rateyourmusic.com, which helped guide me to Mrs. Polachek’s fabulous work. It has been receiving high grades on the site since its release. If you think you can sing, you might want to listen to this. Because this lady can sing. You’ll never sing like her, I'm sorry. I was hooked, not even hooked, FLOORED when I heard that leadoff song, “Welcome to my Island,” thinking that this could be my AOTY when I finished that beast of a first song. This has to be one the most fantastical intros I’ve ever heard. It’s in contention with another song I’ll mention later on way down this list from a different artist for best opening track of the year. Don’t be surprised if I spend half of this section dedicated to talking about it. This is an electric display of everything Caroline can do. Her vocals are just, wow. The build up is exceptional, the chorus is breathtaking, and then don’t even get me started on this guitar solo that comes in on the last half that rips the lead melody in the most badass way ever. She was probably wearing a cape during recording because Caroline’s voice soars like a superhero. The next cut, “Pretty In Possible,” has big shoes to fill but isn’t concerned with that. It’s focused on just being a total groove with some upbeat drums, more vocal gymnastics by Caroline, and an extremely catchy background melody that has me ready to take a walk to some impossible vacation destination. I’m very split on the single, “Bunny is a Rider,” but I have to admit it’s grown on me heavily. It just seems to get better every time I make my way through it. Another banger! Track four, “Sunset,” would be a huge radio smash if it was released by a bigger artist or earlier in the 2000s. Seriously how wasn't it? Somehow, Grimes and Dido show up midway through for “Fly to You,” and somehow, it doesn’t suck. It’s quite floaty and glamorous, as the name suggests. “Butterfly Net” makes me love-sick and would be one of my favorites to see performed on a glamorous stage with no limitations on budget. It sounds like the end of the record when “Smoke” hits with these big crashing booms and fading “na-na-na’s” but Caroline has to pull out the stops one last time for an encore on “Billions.” This single serves as a shimmering outro and is a true last dance. It’s got all the flashiness you’d expect by now, complete with a big choir carrying you off of Caroline’s island. My only actual complaint with Desire is that it starts strong and ends strong, but there’s less meat in the middle than I’d like. It’s smartly structured, though, as it allows Caroline to experiment with more tender stuff or something of an avant-garde interlude like “Crude Drawing of an Angel,” which I appreciate the vibe of. I wish I could write more about how much I love this but I should probably cut that here. If you’re listening to any pop album this year, make sure it’s this one. 


Favorite tracks: Welcome to my Island, Pretty in Possible, Billions



Aaand this is the obligatory thank you to Fantano, who I would not have found this without. You might not hear anything so ambitious all year. This is marching band rap. It’s thunderous and dominant. It’s as musically vibrant as it is lyrically dense. I was keen to recognize how this entire project pays tribute to Toni Morrison, maybe one of my favorite writers ever. The title is in reference to three novels in her critically acclaimed trilogy. Beloved, specifically, might be the best book I’ve ever read. The tone-setting sequence is actually an excerpt from Jazz, which has an eeriness to it and alludes to the many conflicting parts that make up the whole that is BPJ. Dixon has a lot he wants to cover here, and ties it up nicely with this freeform majestic jazz-concert aesthetic. This album feels like you’re watching a live performance that’s totally stacked, but then you snap out of it and realize you’re just driving your car or walking down the street. “Sun, I Rise,” the first actual song is huge and sprawling. The gorgeousness subsides for a bit, though, because “Mezzanine Trippin,” is just, unhinged. We get this yelpy repetition of “F**K TWELVE” while some buzzing bass and, what sounds like a chain being dragged across the floor or something, serves as our beat. Easily the most experimental moment, and possibly the most emotionally potent. Ok, then we get “Run, Run, Run,” which I can’t hold off on talking about any more, because it has a good case for single of the year. It has ZERO BUSINESS being so catchy. I get this track stuck in my head constantly. Why does a piece about gun violence have to be so exuberant? It’s playful energy is in direct conflict to the lyrics about not “playing guns” anymore, but actually running from them. Even with the dark implications surrounding this cut, it still manages to be a reminder of love and connection, which is something every single piece from Dixon manages to do, making the allusions to Morrison that much more favorable. I don’t have any reason to back this claim up, and I don’t care to think about it, but why does this sound like something Lupe Fiasco would do? Maybe it’s because of how thoughtfully Mckinley raps or how jazzy it is. They’re both Chicago guys, so maybe it’s that. “Live! From The Kitchen Table,” has that exact, kicked back, super vibey Lupe flavor on it. Don’t start thinking the bops are over though, because “Tyler, Forever,” is anthemic and luscious with explosive horn sections and excellent structuring to maximize your satisfaction. If you’ve been moving your head so far, you might do it the hardest on this one. I don’t have much to say about the rest of the tracklist until the closer, which might be my only complaint. It’s all fine, everything just blends in more than what came before it, which all felt like standouts, and now, not as much. We have a strong ending, though, as the title track whisks us into a very satisfying final bow. BPJ feels like an odyssey considering it’s only about 30 minutes. If you’re looking for a succinct, ball-out, rap showing, this might be the best you find all year. Keep an eye on Mckinley!


Favorite tracks: Run Run Run, Live! From the Kitchen Table, Tyler Forever



Sampha has a special place in my heart, man. His last release, Process (2017), came out right in the beginning of my second semester at college, where my relationship with my current partner really blossomed. I associate all of the complications and joys of a budding romance with his voice. We’d be listening to that record on countless rainy nights in her car, sharing all of our thoughts with one another. It’s this guy and Frank Ocean that gave us a playlist to fall in love beside. Lahai feels like another intimate night indoors with Sampha, like a personal tiny desk concert every time you hit “play.” I always think of this video of him on the roof playing “Plastic,” and that’s where I feel like I go during this entire album’s runtime. A private sunset rooftop show, or maybe in a field of trees while in a shaded hammock, or even while laying on the beach during a summer morning where it isn’t too hot yet and it’s still quiet. I’m sorry, I’m getting carried away. There’s just an atmosphere from the get-go. Each song blossoms like a different flower, and when I finish each one and pull back the lens, I almost always have a positive reaction to what I just heard. For instance, there always seems to be a moment where the track is elevated to true ascension by some MIDI drums snapping and clicking the porcelain pieces of music altogether to create museum-grade art. Sometimes the song builds on the slappy kicks of the drums like on “Spirit 2.0,” or sometimes the drums will serve as an outro like on “Dancing Circles.” And, on “Suspended,” another one of my favorite cuts all year, the drums serve as a grand release to make you float toward the heavens like the song suggests. It’s creative instrumentation, for sure, but let’s not forget about the vocals. Sampha’s voice is arguably more angelic-sounding nowadays than it ever has. He’ll start soft with a seed and grow a garden by the end of the runtime. “Jonathan L. Seagull,” is one of the silkiest performances a singer has ever blessed me with. Also, “Inclination Compass (Tenderness,)” is mesmerizing. It doesn’t get bigger like others, it gets sweeter. That piano lick woos me in like no other. My only real gripe is that the singles, which were shown off months before the true project, are still probably the best moments. The track list surrounding them often doesn’t live up to the expectations set up by masterpieces like “Only,” which is surprisingly dancy. I hardly ever feel at peace, but I often find it here. If you want to feel like a kid again, filled with wonder and bliss in imagination, give Lahai a spin. It’s full of nostalgia and tranquil reflection and maybe the closest thing we’ll get to a purely audible Zen garden. Want to escape? To have a soundtrack to floating skyward? It's this album. It’s this meme. Hopefully we don’t have to wait as long for the next edition of hypo-therapy from Sampha. 


Favorite tracks: Spirit 2.0, Suspended, Jonathan L. Seagull



I called Billy Woods one of the best contemporary writers of our musical era last year with his solo project, Aethiopes (2022). Also, Kenny Segal has been responsible for the very finest production on some of my favorite albums on past lists such as R.A.P. Ferreira’s Purple Moonlight Pages (2020). This isn’t their first collaboration with 2019’s Hiding Places receiving high scores from numerous sources. I didn’t love it, no, but still found it captivating. Maps, however, is exactly what I’d hope for when combining these two creative powerhouses. It starts off with “Kenwood Speakers” and some bumps that are all distorted and gross sounding. It’s only a minute or so, though, and leads into the real intro, “Soft Landing,” which feels like touching down on the runway to some haunted island destination. The instrumental is calming but unsettling at the same time and Billy sounds likes he’s been ready to be let off the leash like this for a while. I feel like I’m Jack Torrance at the bar in the Overlook. “Rapper Weed,” is another dreamy late night premonition. It takes the usual bleak outlook Billy offers on New York and applies it to a day in the life of somebody sifting through the LA wastelands, which definitely makes me chuckle at how accurate it is. “I don't like sh*t, stay inside the crib, smoke an oop, Nike store on Fairfax don't even sell shoes,” is so accurate. That place is something else. We enter banger territory once the smoky wistful “Bad Dreams,” interlude plays. The next handful of tracks are all heavy hitters. “Year Zero,” in particular, is a crazed man’s creation. It sounds like a catastrophic event. Woods rips some killer bars, like “Hangman, one look all it take to take they measurements, my taxes pay police brutality settlements,” but then Danny Brown takes over and absolutely runs this track like it’s his own. He’s got to be the MVP of 2023, because I’ve heard too many good Danny verses this year not to call it that way. “Baby Steps,” sounds like a dial up sound coming to life and wanting to eat the office. Some of the chiller cuts that come along in the back half like “Agriculture,” and “Houdini,” are the exact vibe you’d need on a Sunday afternoon. Can already hear these playing over one of those Adult Swim transition slides. The outro “As the Crow Flys,” ends super ambiguous and ominous with a painted picture of Billy’s family and him asking himself how much longer he even has left to enjoy this. It leaves me...forlorn? Billy is in peak form again with yet ANOTHER consistent body of work. His subject matter is magnetic and relatable because of how he portrays a confusing hellscape of the modern US. It’s as if he knows what’s coming for us all and doesn’t want to tell us. He’s withholding whatever it is, but he’s hinting at some personal doomsday for you. At times it’s funny how dark it is, others it just feels true. It almost feels like Woods is already a ghost ready to possess somebody. This will be many people’s album of the year, and I was even considering it for mine. In fact, there’s certain days you’ll catch me saying this is even better than the next album on our list…


Favorite tracks: Rapper Weed, Babylon by Bus, Year Zero



You thought we were done talking about Billy Woods? Nah, sorry, Armand Hammer dropped, too, buddy. These dudes are professionals. This is dystopian rap if I’ve ever heard it. It takes their previous work, Shrines, which made my 2020 list, and somehow makes it sound even more like a nightmare. In classic Armand Hammer fashion, this album just gets better and better the deeper you get into it. On my first listen, I was constantly saying “that was the best one yet” after each song ended. The beats on this. Don’t even get me started on those. They’re just, I don’t know…bizarre. That word doesn’t do it justice, but I'll try to wrap my head around it again a bit later. Some of the best writers in the underground are back again with maybe their most cutting-edge verses yet. Also, the trademark dark humor from Woods and Elucid is back, even bleaker and funnier, too. The second track is literally titled “Woke Up and Asked Siri How I'm Gonna Die,” which has some JPEGMAFIA production on it. Glad to see there’s no beef anymore. Can’t have my favorites at odds like this. Anyways, there are various lines on this LP that had me doing spit takes or burying my face in my hands. “Might fuck around and say Suge Knight three times in the mirror,” or “Break up with me, I'm a G, I stay friends with your mother,” to name a few. The balance between playful and dark is one I find Armand Hammer excels at most with this new record. “When It Doesn't Start With A Kiss,” starts off normal enough, but breaks into this wild Pac-man death sound effect loop. They somehow turn it into a fearsome takedown, honestly, but that’s nothing, yet. If we open up the pit for “Trauma Mic” I might not make it out of there because they are actually rapping over what sounds like buzz saws, factory assembly lines, and trash compactors. The list of all-star producers doesn’t stop at “The Gods Must Be Crazy,” where El-P from Run the Jewels lays down a crazy warped head-bumper. “ Y'all Can't Stand Right Here,” has one of the most bat-sh*t transitions all year with this eerie warped old horror-movie type instrumental that eventually devolves into blood-curdling screams which THEN rapidly cuts to an ice cold verse from Woods over some tight piano hits. Rapping over weirder and weirder beats like this, gives both MC’s a chance to showcase some insane flows, wordplay, and harrowing messaging. The project's title even gets its name in this track, with Billy pointing out the abundance of free covid tests for the masses when “We Buy Diabetic Test Strips,” signs are hoisted all over every low-income block. It's true end times that we're in. Anyways, go listen for yourself, at this point, man. These two are not strangers to making it work (and work well) on whatever strange ready-made sound they come across. Test Strips is just the epitome of creativity. I’m always engaged because I never know what’s coming next. Whether it be a hard hitting bar, a crazy beat switch, or a wacky anecdote. It’s hard to call this music because it’s more of an experience. This is a rap fever dream. It sounds like a villain carrying out their evil plan.   


Favorite tracks: Trauma Mic, N***ardly, Total Recall



If you’d have told me around this time last year that there would be a Lil Yachty album on this list, much less this high up here, I’d have told you to stop talking to me. I don’t hate Yachty or anything, in fact I like his ability to inject joy into a lot of his songs. “Poland” came out late last year and I actually kind of liked the experimenting he was doing on it, but figured it would be written off as a joke/throwaway when all was said and done. I didn’t think he’d be pushing the boundaries THIS much. Let’s Start Here is a journey through a lush soundscape with nothing but new ideas and fearless music-making. This is a rare moment where someone switches genres entirely and it actually works. Psychedelic rock? He knocked this out of the park. Shimmering melodies, diverse sound palettes, and bold choices are all helped by Yachty’s now trademarked, totally out of the box, vocal wobbles. This is a team effort, with Yachty making his singing legitimately work in tandem with other production elements to truly take you somewhere else. Apparently he had a listening event at a planetarium show for the release, and if I could only tell my past self one thing, it might be to attend that. There are so many moments that feel like flying through space. It’s probably the closest experience I’ve had so far to actually taking psychedelics. The fantastic guest appearances and instrumentation he employs is the definition of making the most of what you have. This is the type of feature utilization we’ve been seeing from maybe just Tyler, The Creator, recently. It just seemed like Yachty knew exactly where to put who and when to unleash what. You may have noticed that I’m not mentioning any specific songs and I do have my reasons. This is an experience if nothing else. It all blends together (mostly) seamlessly and it’s really not meant to be heard outside of all in one go. For example, to talk about “THE zone,” is to talk about “WE SAW THE SUN!” which has an excellent live performance on Jimmy Kimmel, by the way… But, yeah, that one’s cool and everything, “Drive Me Crazy!” is just as much a part of the experience! The beginnings of most are the ends of others. The transitions are immaculate. The arrangement shows attention to detail on a sonically affluent scale. I’m not a gigantic fan of the AI cover art, though. I get the gist of what he’s going for, but it feels like it hardly captures the essence of showmanship we get with the actual music. He managed to do something beautiful, pure, well-thought-out, and genuine. I honestly feel bad for not taking Yachty that seriously as an artist. I, like many others, saw him as a fun rapper at the most. He wanted to be taken seriously with this, and it became his “prove it” record for all to hold up to the light. He convinced me. Lil Yachty is a force when he wants to be, and I’ll never forget that now. You shouldn’t either. Head to your nearest favorite sunset location and take it all in with this as your soundtrack. 


Favorite tracks: pRETTy, sAy sOMETHINg, paint THE sky



Few albums have changed my life the way A Quiet Farwell 2016-2018 (Crater Speak), has. Slauson Malone 1, aka Jasper Marsalis, is a huge creative inspiration for me and feels like he has been to a few of my other all-time favorite artists as well. He’s the definition of innovator and is what I believe to be one of the sharpest artistic minds from my generation. Excelsior was up there on my most anticipated records of the year with phenomenal singles like “Voyager,” and “New Joy,” only building that hype. They’re weird and each have their avant-garde moments, sure, but mostly what I’d call accessible. I actually felt like we were going to get a relatively more regular-sounding final product after hearing them. Nope. Not at all. I am completely blown-away and awestruck by what I’ve heard. Once again, Jasper has brought something to the table that I’ve never quite experienced before. I’ll never forget the first time I heard this. We were driving up to Northern California to visit my mom in October and were in that stretch of land where there’s just no civilization. Let me tell you, driving down a long, dark, lonely, single-lane highway going a solid 80 to 90 mph might just be the definitive way to listen to this album. This must be what it sounds like being abducted by aliens. I’m not talking freaky tentacle monsters, I’m talking little green men who want to examine you on an operating table. When it comes to talking about other actual tracks, “Half-Life,” is the masterpiece of the bunch. An odyssey across so many sounds all unified by a melody that sounds like it’s longing for more. Maybe my favorite song of the year. It’s beautiful, lonely, and cinematic. “I Hear a New World,” sounds like the past and the future colliding all at once. It’s got an old-timey fortepiano that clashes with distorted digital effects like knights and robots fighting. The ending “Us (Tower of Love)” is another one I want to briefly touch on. It’s incredibly emotional in ways I can’t explain. It feels like a twist heartbreak ending to a movie you thought was going to end happily. I don’t think I’ll be able to fully quantify all of the different pieces of this puzzle with Excelsior, so I’ll stop here. The only major grievance I have to file with it is that the standout songs are the standout songs. Everything else in between just feels like the bridge to get there. Usually they enhance the journey there by all being interesting or unexpected. Some even have standout moments themselves, but they are clearly not the shining stars of brilliance that they surround. It’s hard to describe. Like, “Voyager,” which is already good on its own, is so much better with “Destroyer X,” creating a launch pad for it. That’s why, as a whole, this is an unprecedented listen. Some days I feel like this is my favorite LP all year. Other days it’s not looking as hot as the night before, and the quirks feel more like flaws. In the way that much of A Quiet Farwell explored race, this has undertones of gender and masculinity that I really identify with. The layers to peel back feel endless with each edition of the Slauson Malone catalog. This is my go-to recommendation to anybody that wants to challenge their ideas of what music even is. If you want something brand new that does not operate by the rules you think you may know and are down for something to go anywhere and do anything, show this some of your time. It’s full-on art that WILL make you uncomfortable.



An oddball pairing for the ages. Two infamous hoe scarers ready to join forces in a polymerization spell card of an album. It’s hard to even quantify how much this works. Peggy’s production mixed with Danny’s affinity for rapping on whatever strange samples he can get his voice over makes this a festival of electricity. Ever want to be corked up with lightning in a bottle? This is it. “Lean Beef Patty” throws you right in there with both guys immediately losing their minds over blaring, heavy, hits of just about every sound you can imagine. Drums, synths, everything. It’s ugly beautiful. The fourth track is another notable example of this, as “Garbage Pail Kids,” is just as mutated and vile as it sounds like it will be, with an eerie sample from a Japanese commercial and some big frayed guitar rips. “Burfict!” is “Family Ties,” if it didn’t get way less hyped and boring after about a minute. Those war horns get me going, man. I’m just ready to f**k someone up in a viking battle, or whatever. Mosh pit song of the year, surely. Let’s talk about “Orange Juice Jones,” now, which is so special. It’s got a velvety soul sample that I want to wrap around me like a blanket. What’s even better is it starts probably my actual favorite three track run of the year. It leads into “Kingdom Hearts Key,” which features three generations of rappers, and is somehow even more ethereal. Danny’s flow over this beat is insane. He comes in and SURFS this instrumental on the second verse and would take home best moment of the track if it weren't for redveil soaring down and crashing through the roof like a superhero. Afterward, “God Loves You,” blows what’s left of it off with an explosive gospel-inspired party. The bass is blaring and the spirit is flowing! It makes me want to clap and have an out of body experience. I wish I could ride the high of the middle of this album to the end, but it seems to end on a slightly less strong note. “Jack Harlow Combo Meal,” still sounds like Peggy and Danny taking me to a sleepy diner and hot-wiring the jukebox. Not to mention, “Where Ya Get Ya Coke From?” wants to set the flamethrowers off one last time. That booming sample sounds like a TV on full blast getting thrown through my window. It’s awesome. Please listen to this if you like hip-hop or rap. It’s so much fun. The most fun I’ve had all year with any LP, probably. There’s also a few bonus tracks they dropped as a “DLC Pack” that is also full of more good stuff.  I had a chance to see these guys perform a majority of this record on tour at the Hollywood Palladium and it was special seeing how much they complement one another while in person. Both artists seem to really embrace what makes them oddballs in the experimental and hip hop scene. They bring the best out of one another on almost every single cut. Scaring The Hoes somehow sounds both vintage and futuristic and it’s extremely hard to pick just three favorite tracks but here goes…


Favorite tracks: Burfict, Kingdom Hearts Key, God Loves You



A shock to the system and what I believe to be my favorite album of 2023; A vapor/chill wave dream pop extravaganza at the hands of Mr. George Clanton. This is the best album from the late 90s ever. You want to hear a musical time portal? Want to feel like a kid again at the McDonald’s PlayPlace? Want to get a fresh squirt of hand soap from one of these bad boys with the animal in it? Want to pull a shiny Pokémon card out of a fresh pack? Want to get picked up from school on the last day before break? You were never going to get those sweet hits of that exact type of serotonin ever again until this record came along. I understand that this pick isolates people who don’t remember the time period I’m describing as very distinctive at all but to that I say, SHOVE IT, because there’s no WAY this came out just this summer. No way. I really thought about it and I think I have my happiest memories of the year with this playing in the background. Sticking this on during any activity somehow makes it not quite an activity, but more of a vacation. Every track exemplifies what I like about music and where it can take me. The opener, “Everything I Want,” oh my god. It’s otherworldly. Maybe one of the best openers ever? My favorite of the year, for sure. The way those 100 foot tall walls of glimmer hit like a semi-truck out of the gate will send you on an interdimensional flight. When everything comes together around the 1:30 mark it’s orgasmic. There’s no other way to describe it, I’m sorry. It feels like taking a hit of the best oxygen of your life and realizing every time you’ve ever breathed just doesn’t compare. George, let me direct the music video for this track. I have some ideas. Anyways, the next one, “Justify Your Life,” is not only empowering you to take hold of what you really want but it’s also a great example of the crispy drums you can expect across the rest of the track list. It's ice cold bliss. It feels like snowboarding with the ICEE bear. It also sets up the extreme funk of “Punching Down,” which once it takes its flight, you’re right up there soaring with it. “I Been Young,” my definite #1 song of the year is indescribable. The subject matter is very definitive for what I feel like the project as a whole is about, but also my entire life this past year. It’s about coming to terms with the past, acceptance and appreciation for what was, and choosing to move forward. Being your inner child but also using what you know to be better. Realizing what it takes to enter maturity. I believe that we all need to grow but still maintain a sense of discovery through that growth, and striking a balance of awareness with curiosity. With that in mind, I can become my best self. We all can. Not to mention the song f***ing bangs, but yeah, it’s pretty sick. The next couple of tracks following this are very good middle album tracks. They establish a vibe, they stay on theme, and they segway nicely like a smooth plane ride to the next tropical destination, which for me, is “F.U.M.L,” arguably the most abrasive piece, here. Fat hits of bass and drum set up an anthemic chorus about making crazy decisions. It’s somehow blissful and aggressive. An inability to escape the past with a nervousness to embrace the future? George, man, are you me, right now? Alright, this is getting long-winded. I’ll shut it down, but first “For You, I Will,” is the most epic closing fade to black I’ve ever heard. I’m willing to bet it’s what flying away from a volcanic eruption like an action hero feels like. It's the ending of a movie with massive fireworks echoing through the sky. Ok, I get it. That’s enough. I’ll stop here. This is amazing. It’s my ultimate recommendation to anybody reading this far into the article. You'll at least appreciate it, I promise.


Favorite tracks: Everything I Want, I Been Young, F.U.M.L



How can one reinvent themselves and be forward-thinking while still staying true to and consistently acknowledging the past? That’s been the question racking my brain all year. I think I finally found some answers to that question and feel like I executed my goals well. This list defines that desire for equilibrium. 


Looking back, I’d like to pencil in 2023 as a W. It was a very positive year. Maybe one of the best I’ve had in the last, I don’t know, ten years, if not my best. Easily my favorite of the 2020s, with multiple wonderful months defined by accomplishment, progress, and joyous times. Guys, it only took a handful of years, but I’m comfortable with calling myself happy again. When I look back on the last 12 months, I don’t see myself being miserable or dissatisfied, I see myself as triumphant and well-established. The roots I grew last year are showing their hard work above ground.


I got my career going, I’m making good money, I’ve got great friends who I love and care about, and I know who love and care about me, I’m shedding everything that’s dragged me down, I’m feeling creative and inspired, I’m very much in tune with where I’m at, and I’m just ready to do more. I know the natural way of things. Dark times are coming again, and I hope to read this in their wake as a reminder to myself that I’ve gotten through time and time again. I hope I can come back to this to take note of what can be.


The past is a crutch. It’s both crippling and foundational. It’s integral to navigating the future. 2023 was nice. Let’s use it to make 2024 even nicer. 



Thank you for reading! If you haven’t already, please check out my new collection of stories: Tales From the Exit Door. If you already have seen it, watch it again! It’s probably been awhile. I’m very proud of the work I put in and I feel like I cobbled together a bunch of the “old” to make something of the “new.” Probably my favorite creation of mine altogether so go try to get me to 200 views, at least! I love you all. Happy New Year!


Good mourning!


About a year ago I saved an update post on here under drafts titled “Giving Up,” announcing my retirement from writing. The Circuitry Might was going to be my one and only contribution to the world under that license. Funny enough, I couldn’t bring myself to finish the thing because I hated writing so much that I couldn’t even write about how much I hated it.


Thank god I was such a lazy self-hating bastard. I’ve experienced a lot of failure in the last three years since the release of the book. So many that crushed my soul to say goodbye to because of the time, thought, and effort put into making them happen. Year by year, I’d think I’d have my next big idea and it just wouldn’t materialize into something I was proud of or could call fully realized/complete.


Recently, I finally decided to myself that I’d make it official and put those failed projects to rest. I need to start the process towards acceptance and that’s kind of what this is. Anyways, I thought it’d be fun to explore each of those here and talk about them so you guys can see how much potential each hinted at. Hopefully, anyone reading this walks away with at least a little bit of understanding as to why it’s been so hard for me to let go. What’s more, an understanding of how this can lead to a horrifically deflating loop involving the stages of grief. At the end, maybe we can all laugh and smile fondly by looking back and admiring the good ideas instead of the poor executions.


One last side note…Don’t let this all seem like doom and gloom at the virtual funeral because I’ve got a big point I want to make at the end of the conversation which eventually leads into an announcement. I promise that this is more fun for me than anything. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here writing this. That's what it's all about.


2020: Roommates (the series)


During the filming of The Circuitry Might documentary, and back in the summer of 2019, I went out with German one day to shoot a little promo thing that would be easy marketing for the book. It was way more fun and interesting than it had any right being. So, after the book came out, I wanted to simultaneously do a sequel to that video and a premiere of a new YouTube series that would accomplish multiple goals. It would serve as continuous marketing material for the book itself while also being an outlet for me to tell a new story. I floated the idea past German, but he wasn’t big on the idea because he wanted to “create art not content,” which still makes very little sense to me since isn’t it possible to do both? Look at the Barbie movie. Look at a Kendrick Lamar album. Look at a lot of things. Anyways, I took my friends Jake and Lea as new filmers and made an entertaining video, advertised the book, and shot what was technically a pilot episode for a long-running comedy mystery series. Peep the ending of the last video to see what I’m talking about. Mission accomplished! This was just the beginning of a long and fruitful new venture, surely.


So what was the series even supposed to be about? What was my vision? Each episode would feature a different Riley inspired from the story “Roommates” at the end of The Circuitry Might. As you may have seen, during the closure of episode 2, the Riley who hates everything is murdered in an alley by an unseen villain. Episode 3 would have shown the subsequent investigation by detective Riley and the discovery of the crime scene. Episode 4 was set to reveal that the killer was actually another Riley with an unknown evil cause to exterminates other Rileys. This drip feed of realizations would continue until the dam broke. The remaining episodes would deal with more murder, more twists, more turns, and more ridiculous Riley characters. We have this epic beach reveal scene in one of the later episodes that I absolutely love where a Riley discovers the true killer and confronts him of these crimes as the music swells and a showdown ensues. The series would have ended with the protagonist locking the antagonist inside their own house together and burning it down with each of them still in it, ridding the world of the damage caused by Rileys after all. The sound of fire crackling louder and harder would play through the end credits.


Every one of these episodes would have featured scripted moments as well as candid ones with real unsuspecting people, just like the first two. The episodes would model the style of a Sacha Baron Cohen project like Borat, Bruno, Da Ali G Show, etc. Prank interviews were often meant to be paired with story scenes and a mix of the two. Various bits of organic humor would obviously ensue from whatever character I would be playing interacting with strangers while trying to accomplish my goal. I had written chase scenes, dramatic emotional sequences, and some really funny material that all shared that same feeling. My ideas for location filming were also diverse and interesting, and I really wanted to push the objective of each episode taking place somewhere new once the third episode started.


Why didn’t it get made? Well, if you check the date of the last video, it came out right before a little incident occurred that shut down the whole world for way longer than anyone anticipated. We had already planned episode 3 + 4 to be filmed in the summer of 2020, but the dates had to be pushed back over and over again until we just didn't know when we'd be able to film comfortably in public again. I didn't feel good about sticking a mic in people's face while any chance of another COVID swell was on the rise again. Eventually, I lost contact with German entirely when he went off to work full time in the wild world of the Hollywood film industry and haven’t heard from him since. I also never really had the same level of communication with the friends who filmed episode 2 with me after the dog days of the pandemic were somewhat over. I had rewrote a grand return episode intended for the post-pandemic era (whenever that was) which sort of fit the theme of a Riley gone missing. It involved another Riley looking for the lost/killed Riley from episode 2 and carrying a missing poster around the same location we filmed the previous episode at asking “if anyone has seen this man.” In case you missed the joke, I’m obviously the guy on the poster just a bit fatter and more depressed which would have made for some funny interactions and some ironic meta commentary on the actual state of my life. The episode would have ended with the discovery of the crime scene and the introduction of inspector or detective Riley, complete with mustache, aviators, and all.


I’m sad to let this idea walk out the door because there’s a few scenes from throughout the whole project that I wrote which are so genuinely golden and amazing. I’m so mad people will never see them but maybe I can incorporate those winning bits into future material. Only time will tell, I guess. For awhile, part of me felt like I should just start it back up again despite the huge gap between episodes because it might be sort of funny to act like nothing happened in the last few years. It would certainly bring a whole new meaning to searching for missing versions of myself that may have been inexplicably killed off. There is still something interesting to me thematically about a revival. However, I feel like that era of my work doesn't really fit what I'm doing now. In a way, all those Rileys were killed off screen without the spectacle. I'm sad I didn't get to film the process of this new me coming in, but at least I can report about it.


2021: The Hotel Dugant


This one is REALLY going to hurt. It was supposed to be my debut novel and a test to see if I could do a compelling story in true long form. I actually announced it on here with this article and picked up right where I left off once The Circuitry Might was done. Production on it was actually very steady throughout the pandemic and I got about 70% of it done with all the free time I had inside. Tonally, it felt very similar to my short stories. It’s weird and funny and dark and whatever you least expect could fly into the plot at any time. But, what was it about?


The Hotel Dugant is a story about Kennedy and his best friend Lincoln, who work as valets at the tallest hotel in the world. To be honest, nobody knows how tall it is. Some say it’s infinite. The physics of the hotel make little sense. There’s entire multi-acre golf courses, huge casinos, a prison, and anything you could ever imagine inside. One day, it’s revealed that the mysterious unseen owner of the hotel, Herbert O’Bannon, is assassinated and the meager valet, Lincoln, is unexpectedly named the new president before abruptly disappearing without warning. Most of the story’s runtime is focused on Kennedy tirelessly climbing the countless stories of the hotel in search for his friend. He believes Lincoln could be in real danger after hearing rumors of disappearances and soul-sucking machines used to keep O’Bannon and the hotel alive forever. As more time passes, Kennedy slowly loses focus/control with the endeavor along with his own mental state. The hotel causes him to see disturbing visions and he even begins to work with a secret aid named Robbie who is later hinted at possibly being a future version of himself that’s stuck wandering the halls of the upper floors forever. A LOT happens in between, but the story would end with Kennedy being caught and forcibly escorted out, only to run into Herbert O’Bannon during the fiasco. When asked how he was alive, O’Bannon brushes his own assassination off as mere rumors. When asked where Lincoln is, he tells Kennedy that Lincoln simply left the Dugant and that Kennedy never really meant as much to him as a friend as he initially thought. In denial about this revelation, Kennedy escapes one last time to tell the future version of himself about this. Robbie convinces him that there is still evil afoot and that the mystery is still unsolved, but Kennedy realizes that this glimpse into the future will soon become a reality he doesn’t want for himself and he’ll be stuck trying to find answers forever. Kennedy steals a car he’s always fantasized about stealing from the valet and leaves the hotel in search for Lincoln, unaware if he was even out there to begin with.


I know I kept the details sparse, but I was doing a lot of literary sh*t and it really did get out of hand by the time I stopped for a break from this project. It was hard to juggle so many extended metaphors all running together at the same time. If you hadn’t already noticed, the two main characters have purposeful names, that’s because literally everyone in this story is named after a famous person who was assassinated. I also had some hardcore allusions to Dante Alighieri’s Purgatorio, with each level of the Dugant operating as some reference to the seven deadly sins and thus, the layers of purgatory. I had the primary symbol of fire working for me in many directions. Kennedy is referenced in many instances as a man on fire. For instance, he’s a chain smoker who falls victim to alcoholism (aka adding fuel to the fire), he vomits ashes multiple times throughout the story, he has a traumatic backstory involving a friend burning to death, he’s in constant fear of BEING fired from his position, etc. Anyways, does this all lead to the theory that the Hotel is just a form of purgatory for people taken out of their lives before they got a chance to carry on with their aspirations? Yes. It’s a good theory. Dogs are a semi-important symbol present in the text as well because of how they relate to our relationships. I’ve also got a lot of motifs in there regarding vampires that involve some of the funniest bits I’ve ever written.


The entire tale is a complicated dismantling of ego, systems of power/control, and the problematic levels of loyalty in relationships (hence the dog references). I think the idea that I wanted to explore at the center of it all was just the concept of energy and how transactive it is. How we choose to spend it, how we justify that, the price we set on it, etc. I became fascinated with both individuals and systems they fall under that take/receive energy. For instance, the system that somebody can benefit/borrow from is the same system that takes from somebody else. The scale differs from huge to small, but the biggest trick is how we don’t even realize it’s happening most of the time. Those same systems get shrunken into how we operate everything, whether it be our nations or our interpersonal relationships. We often manipulate one another into these very same transactions, and that’s really what the world is all about; Using one another to fulfill needs in a vampiric sort of way. If The Circuitry Might was a careful breakdown of the needs that dictate our lives, then The Hotel Dugant takes it a step further by asking how we all play a part and use each other to fulfill those same needs, all the while acting like we’re providing something. For example, do we own dogs for them or us? I would argue it’s always for us. The desire for unflinching companionship overshadows any shallow virtues of "giving an animal a good life." People love to pat themselves on the back. Pets are disguised as friends and vise versa. I’ll take it a step further and add that hotels are a business disguising themselves as a home. The basic need for shelter is now a commodity. One can infer from this that the story doubled as my take on classism and the corporate world as well. Afterall: What’s the cost of selling out? However, I propose that this way of thinking is now ingrained (or maybe always has been) into the way we conduct even our deepest personal relationships. The systems we fight are the same we operate on and institute in our lives and onto others we care about. Were we trained this way, or is it innately human? What’s more, was it innately human to eventually be trained this way? Trained like dogs? Is breaking the cycle an illusion? Does each hotel that is our lives reside within another, larger hotel? I'm sorry if that was convoluted I'm just trying to translate my notes.


The novel meant even more on a personal level since it was by far the most self-critical piece of work I’ve ever done. And, I think that’s part of why I hit a wall. I might not have been ready to emotionally confront some of the subtext. It became increasingly harder to be in touch with my feelings as I slipped further into a depressive state that wouldn’t be fully mended until just recently. I didn’t just have an emotional and motivational block, I also had a mechanical one as well. I began to doubt why certain parts of the story even needed to be told and I had a hard time finding reasons for the middle of the book to exist. It was truly a novel moment. I reached out to some of my most trusted mentors and most of them either couldn’t offer to help much or straight up left me on read. It was difficult because as my main character got lost, so did I. It was that feeling alone that made me think I was right where I needed to be. Unfortunately, working on the Dugant just became less and less fun. And if something isn’t fun to write, it won’t be fun to read. The quality really suffered, in my opinion.

I think one of the main reasons I also have a hard time letting go of this story is because of how much it crazily and weirdly applies to my life now. You know how they say art imitates life and vise versa? And you know how I wrote this story about a friend losing another without warning and tirelessly searching for them only to find out the friend didn’t want to be found in the first place? Well I wrote all that before the exact scenario happened to me. I probably would have let go of this much sooner if my real world best friend didn’t just disappear from my life one day without much explanation. I stuck with the idea of seeing this through because it resembled my current deteriorating and confused state too well. I was basically Tim Robinson every night in front of my monitor. It was simply too good! Step by step, turn after turn, I was genuinely trapped in my own story. Maybe it’s some fucked up manifestation at play. Maybe my old best friend is playing the hardest ruse on me ever so that I can truly get in the head of the main character and he’ll come out from behind the curtain once the book is done. He knew how much it meant to me to get this finished and I also didn’t want to let him down despite us not speaking. We would talk endlessly some nights about how much I wanted to make this story happen and I knew he would be disappointed to see me give up on it. He was one of my sole motivators during that time and was going to have his name printed at the end, so yeah, that’s right, I’m deluding myself into thinking this is all a mind game and that we’re still friends and he’s testing me JUST like the end of the book where Kennedy doesn’t learn a thing and decides to leave the Dugant in pursuit of his friend in order to make things right again in the “real world,” which ends up being a bigger hotel anyways. Art imitates life. Life imitates art.


Well, I’ve got bad news for my old friend, because The Hotel Dugant is officially retired. Yay! We can be friends again, right? Still waiting… I don’t think that’s happening either, unfortunately. The friendship may have officially (and sadly) been moved to the grave right along with this book. Luckily, both relationships will live on in how they influence my future work and I’ll always be grateful. That's just the most simple way to put it.


This leads to some actual good news which is that I already have a strong idea for another novel which borrows some of my favorite elements from the Dugant that I didn’t spoil here. I haven’t started any part of it but I have lots of notes for when I feel like the time is right to begin the process.


2022: Once the Fever Breaks


This was my attempted comeback from possibly the most lost I’ve ever been in life. It was a full-length film in the form of a gameshow.


Earlier in 2022, I came across some recountings of how they used to care for sicknesses back in the day and was inspired by what I heard. After long nights of battling a relentless fever associated with an illness, the afflicted and their caretakers knew they were finally winning the battle if they could manage to somehow break the fever and bring the temperature down. The fever breaking typically means the worst of it is behind you. So, how does one break a fever? To this day, medicine and rest is the best solution, with the fever typically breaking quickly overnight if you've successfully used the two in the right way. The idea was this: I had a sickness, too. It wasn’t your typical ailment though, it was one with life.


Look, for the record, I was also severely depressed. So, I guess you could say I also had a non-physical ailment. Why did I opt for this silly convoluted solution to my real problem instead of opting to seek professional help like I did when I almost died in 2019, you ask? Well earlier in the year, my dad got mad at me and pulled my access to healthcare by removing me from his medical plan, meaning I didn’t have access to any resources to manage it other than what one could consider “natural remedies.” This also meant that of course, when a severe OCD episode inevitably came rearing back at the end of the year, I had to pay out of pocket to a sketchy third party for medication just to manage to come into work and eat a meal again.


Ok, now that that’s put into perspective, I was trying crazy things to cure myself from this slump on all levels I was in. Besides, my mental and artistic sides usually coincide with one another. So, consider it a fever of sorts. This leads to my next logical question: How does one break a mental fever? I wrote down everything I could that has ever made me or any regular person feel happy about life and came up with a way to somehow shrink it down via a short activity that would hopefully stimulate those same hormones. For instance, when people need to jumpstart the battery in their brain again, sometimes they take a vacation. A change of scenery can be good for ushering in new mentalities. This was why I was going to be filming somewhere else entirely instead of my own familiar apartment. Picking up a new hobby or artform is another popular way to get some serotonin. So why not do that a bunch of times all at once?


Now, I just needed a pill to deliver this medicine in. What’s the one piece of media we all associate with staying home sick? Sh*tty daytime reruns of game shows! Who doesn't have a memory of Pat Sajak or Bob Barker taking care of them on a day they stayed home from school/work? I’m pretty sure more people have broken fevers while being swaddled by the sounds of Wheel of Fortune than any other form of programming.


That's right. My solution would be to stage a gameshow with a wheel full of my greatest adventures/goals and megadose life for one night. There was one host, one contestant, one loser, one winner, and they were all going to be me. One last chance to rectify this thing. One night to get it right.


The concept was straightforward. I would lock myself in my good friend Ashika's garage with everything I needed and spin that wheel until morning with the highest of hopes that I could break my fever by force. I wanted to document my insanity so I stuck a camera on a tripod, set up some lights, hooked up a mic, and got to work. The activities ranged from shaving my head, putting on a powerful puppet show, designing merch for the film and holding a fashion show with it, creating an original song, jumping into the nearby lagoon, painting a painting, rebuilding the set to scale with Lego, prank calling people, showing a random photo from my camera roll and explaining it, and even facing my fears by eating a burger with everything on it for the first time in my life.


I am the master of two birds, one stone. It was time to make history by killing a hundred at once. If this worked, I would have broken my rut in all facets. I would have accomplished everything I wanted out of life at the time and finally broken the streak of failed projects. I was going to fit an entire year's worth of accomplishments into one night and one film. In hindsight, this was way more ambitious than it felt at the time. I was definitely in over my head, but that's because I had a hard time grasping the reality of anything. I was disconnected as hell from anything life had me doing. In a way, it was the best and worst mindset to be in for a project like this.


So, why didn’t it work? I did it, actually. I filmed the whole thing. It took some doing but I didn’t wuss out and saw it through. Some sequences came out perfectly, with others going even better than planned. The rest suffered heavily in quality. At the end of the day, I knew it was going to have to be something that was absolutely sold in editing. There was some electricity missing in many of the takes that I imagined would be more vibrant to actually film. In reality, there were long and boring hours of me figuring things out just piled onto the camera's SD card. I had all that footage on my hard drive for months, but never found the strength to make more than a trailer. If you follow me on Instagram, you can see that clip if you want. It’s the first thing on there. After making that trailer, I never once had the incentive or desire to go back and tirelessly put that mess together into something presentable. When I’ve made long-form content in the past, I know it’s going well because I can’t wait to get back to it and add more or keep working. With this, everything felt like a complete and utter chore. It wasn't interesting to me in the slightest. Even filming it was exhausting, and I really don’t think I was focused enough on actually getting personal satisfaction out of it. I think I was hoping that if I just did it, I would feel better and be excited about it, but that never happened. Every step of the process was painful and I refuse to release something that doesn’t have the tender love and care it deserves.


I wasn’t happy with my journey, I was just happy it was over. It didn’t feel like something worth releasing because I had zero passion about it and this was a project that needed to ooze passion and excitement to get back out there. It wasn’t supposed to be a project about how f*cking hard everything is right now, it was supposed to be a project about how stoked I was to come back and live life again. The truth was, I wasn’t enthralled about anything going on with me. I was actually dreading waking up, still. I went back to work the next day and everything felt normal. Nothing changed. Barely anybody even cared to wonder why my head was shaved. Maybe they were too afraid to ask, but it didn't feel like it. No matter how drastic of measures I took, nothing seemed to work.


How was I going to look forward to a project about getting better if I didn’t feel like it? The film was a lie. I knew that if I edited it together, it would give off the impression I was on the road to recovery, when the truth was that I still couldn’t find salvation. Even the closing shots, which end with me triumphantly jumping into the Lagoon at sunrise feel like a delusional obligation. Again, I wasn’t happy because I felt like I broke the fever, I was happy because filming this piece of crap was finally over. Sure, I could have finally had a project to put out, but I wouldn’t have felt good about it. Feeling good about it was like half the point. I don’t want to say the film felt forced, but it sort of did. Some genuinely emotional moments mixed with half-hearted others that might maybe possibly not seem that way if edited properly wasn’t worth it. Besides, when do I ever make positive projects? I’m sorry, but this helped me realize that my best work is about coming to terms with horrible realities both externally and internally. Also, with any art, honesty is the best policy. It makes creating easier because it’s flowing organically. It also leaves people with something. Why do you think I’m writing this big ass soliloquy?


Luckily, some of what I wrote that night will find its way into future projects. The poetry, for the most part, was very compelling. I also learned a lot about shooting with a real camera and what visual tricks I could pull off with it to enhance how the viewer experiences the artform. Lastly, I realized that if I'm not being honest and trying to communicate or translate exactly how I'm feeling, then it's a waste of time. The excitement should stem from my accuracy toward a central emotional resolve that CANNOT be forced.


If you haven't already, please click on the slideshow above to see some screenshots of the film, if you're interested. This is likely the only time I'll show more images from this dead venture.

Let’s face it. This era of myself was defined by failure. I failed as a friend, a partner, as a son/brother, as a functioning member of society, as an artist, and worst of all, at being me. That feeling of being an absolute waste was all I felt. And looking back at it, I want to shed a tear for all the times I forgot how to. I was a ghost with skin just aimlessly wandering the world. I couldn’t escape being mediocre.


But, what if you can fail so hard that you succeed? What if you can turn all those last place medals (if they even make those) into the shape of a first place trophy? Going so far in one direction that I come out on the other side is sort of inadvertently my thing.


Look, there’s no doubt I created a monster. But isn’t creating something what you wanted to do? I couldn’t help but notice every single one of these failed projects had some redeeming qualities, they just broke down in a certain area of execution. What if I built a Frankenstein of forgotten and thrown-out ideas? These ideas didn’t go anywhere. They just sat and marinated in the cess-pool of my fucked up depressed-ass brain for the last few years. All I wanted to do was leave, I just couldn’t find a way out. Every exit felt like an entrance. But that’s exactly it. I was…feeling something. I swear to god, the most important thing to do when you ever come to a creative crossroads is ask yourself, “how do I feel?” Well I felt like hell. Why not show it? During those days of regression, I forgot how to communicate. But, I distinctly remember saying, “oh ho man these fuckers are going to hear all about it once I figure out how to say it again.” And, that’s exactly what I did. Notice how I’m not telling you it, I’m telling you about it. The act of failure to do something and leave with nothing is still something. Absence is a form of presence. Leaving is a form of entering. Sometimes the idea for the object is more interesting than the object itself. Trust me, reading about these failures to tell a compelling story is a much more compelling story than the story I was trying to tell in the first place. The story of what happened to the story is a far better story sometimes. Does that make sense? Too bad.


I guess if I have any advice to my future self, don’t give up on your ideas, just also don’t be afraid to feed them to that dark scary creature hiding under the floorboards. It might serve it better in the long run. Throw those good ideas in the vat and see how they mutate.


Also, I just want to add that I would never have learned to trust my feelings and communicate them again if I didn’t have people to encourage me. I knew that working hard to rebuild my support system would hopefully pay off, and it did. It really did. I now have a fantastic circle that I will always put first because I know what it’s like not to have one. I was sinking down into the pit of quicksand, and you wouldn’t be reading this if it weren’t for the people who (knowingly or not) threw out a rope and held on.


Also, if you want to know more about these failed excursions, please reach out and ask me! I’m happy to share something that might inspire/entertain someone else and I’ve always been enamored with ideas about ideas and so on.


Sometimes you have to lose everything to appreciate having something. With that being said…


My new film/collection of short stories titled Tales From the Exit Door is out now.


Give it a watch right here


DREAM DEN © 2024

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